Dave Barry: Diplomat

>to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him
Dave Barry said, "I argue very well. Ask any oflike you? Why not let him save face? He didn't
my remaining friends. I can win an argument onask for your opinion. He didn't want it. Why argue
any topic, against any opponent. People know this,with him? You can't win an argument, because if
and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a signyou lose, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
of their great respect, they don't even invite me."Why? You will feel fine. But what about him? You
This self-disclosure prompted Curious George tohave made him feel inferior, you hurt his pride,
check around to see just how closely theinsult his intelligence, his judgment, and his
quotation aligned with reality. This article bringsself-respect, and he'll resent your triumph. That will
you the inside story.make him strike back, but it will never make him
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remainingwant to change his mind."
friends. I can win an argument on any topic,CG just smiled at Barry and calmly said, "Hey
against any opponent. People know this, and steerDave, taking it outside would do nothing but make
clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of theirus feel inferior, insult our intelligence, our
great respect, they don't even invite me." -- Davejudgment, and our self-respect. We are diplomats,
Barrynot parking lot brawlers. Besides, it's raining out
This self-disclosure prompted Curious Georgethere; and although you're already all wet, I'm
(CG) to check around to see just how closely thedefinitely not; and I plan to stay that way." On
quotation aligned with reality. The first step wasthat note, CG quietly walked away.
to check with a couple of Barry's remainingIt was a few days later and Barry was hanging
friends. Let it suffice to note that a second stepout at the library, by himself, of course. The
was not possible, due to an inability to completefriend thing really had gotten way to expensive to
the first. CG confronted Barry, "As it turns out,bother with anymore. He was just randomly
no one will admit to being your friend, remainingflipping through first one book and then another
or not." To that, Barry turned red in the face andwhen he ran across the words of Caskie Stinett,
said, "I for sure have three remaining friends. I"Diplomat: A person who can tell you to go to hell
used to have more but it has gotten to wherein such a way that you actually look forward to
three is all I can afford to buy. Your not findingthe trip." He smiled to learn that it was Bisaac
them is hardly my fault. Never attribute yourGoldberg who said, "Diplomacy is to do and say
incompetence to mine. Remaining friends aside, Ithe nastiest thing in the nicest way;" but the smile
can still win an argument on any topic, against anybecame a chuckle when he discovered these
opponent; and if you want to push the point, we'llwords from the famous Anon. "Diplomacy: The
just take it outside."business of handling a porcupine without disturbing
CG was tempted to get it on with Barry butthe quills.
remembered Dale Carnegie's advice, "Why prove